Of condoms and good girls: I am taking control of my sexual health

I stared into space as she explained reassuringly the procedure she was about to undertake. A tight knot was slowly forming in my stomach, this was the first time I was having a HIV test done knowingly.

“I need your details please, name and phone number.”

I shot her a look.

“Why? Isn’t this supposed to be anonymous?”

I formed a mental image of leaked results. HIV-positive results. My name and phone number on full display.

I looked over at my boyfriend, he chuckled, grabbed the pen and filled in his contacts.

“Everything will be confidential, we just need the details in case we need to communicate further with you.” She explained.

I have come across many clinical studies in my line of work… HIV studies. I imagined they might want to recruit me in one of those. The knot in my stomach grew bigger and blood rushed out of my constricted heart. Blood.. my blood, oh the thought!

“Was it clear of HIV?” I was clearly in full panic mode.

I thought about my sexual encounters. I considered myself responsible but truth is I was not always 100% so.The face of a former boyfriend came into my mind.

“Was he always faithful?”

“Why did I allow the illusion of monogamy cloud my judgment?”

“What if he had put me at risk?”

Then another image crept into my mind.

 A shameful image.

The image of a man I liked, a man I got into an undefined relation with. We went on dates, he made me laugh, I was eager for him to think highly of me. An independent woman. The not-clingy type. So when we eventually had sex, I did not ask what we were doing, where we were headed. I let it be. I was caught up in a situationship, lost power to negotiate for better terms.

Then one many nights later, high on beer and drunk in lust, we let it slip. He did away with the rubber and I did not protest.

Sex without a condom is that slippery slope. When it begins it becomes a habit. The illusion of trust already created.

“Make a tight fist.” The lady broke into my little regretful reverie.

She was drawing blood from my boyfriend’s arm he looked on without flinching, my shivers deepened and I looked away. I am terrified of needles.

It was now my turn, I hesitated, asked my beau to step outside with me.

“I don’t think I can do it” I muttered.

“The first time is always hard, but everything will be alright.” He said as he gave me a reassuring hug.

“You don’t know that!” I protested.

It was a new relationship, things were moving very fast, we were having protected sex but I felt the need to have the test just to allay any fears. Plus having turned thirty, it was time I took charge of my sexual health. I needed to know where I stood and being in a new relationship was the perfect time to do the test.

“You want me to take the test for you?  he teased, making a reference to occurrences in my past relationships.

I laughed nervously. And briefly considered the option.

 In two previous relationships, my partners had taken the tests alone. I was too scared to follow suit and so I assigned myself their statuses seeing that we were having unprotected sex, a foolish thing to do considering cases of discordant couples.

I finally mustered the courage and we walked into the phlebotomy room, I laid out my arm, and looked away in terror as the needle made its way towards a vein.

“This is worse than the fear of the results!” I quipped as the sharp pain soared throughout my body.

But it was a lie. The next thirty minutes were the worst in recent memory. I was flooded with regret, remorse and anger. Anger because I put my life in someone else’s hands, I let frivolous emotions dictate the course of my life. I had sex with a boyfriend without knowing for sure my status, I put another human at risk.

I bargained with God to change my status, I promised to always use a condom, until that was no longer an option, when I finally settled in marriage. My mind could not fathom the idea that I could be negative, I had trusted too much and been too foolish for far too long. I had to be punished.

“Thirty minutes are over, babe.” He announced as he abruptly stood up.

He had been trying to sooth me throughout the waiting period but I was too deep in thought to understand a word. He asked me to wait in the hospital cafeteria as he went to pick up the results.

“No!” I shouted, creating a small scene.

“If you go alone, I know you will read them beforehand and I do not want to read the results all over your face!”

I was becoming paranoid and made little sense.

He took my hand and we walked to the clinic. The lady was thankfully talking over the phone and so I could not “read” the results on her face. She stapled them and put them in an envelope as she carried on with her conversation, handing us the results nonchalantly.

The next ten minutes were probably the worst ever. I grabbed both envelopes, I did not want him to unceremoniously check the results. I had to be ready, calm and collected. Far from it, the more I waited, the worse the situation became. I was sweating, stammering, nauseous and crying all at the same time. My boyfriend was getting alarmed, I was no longer listening to him and seemed to be completely out of it.

He grabbed my arms and held me still. Looked me in the eyes and told me either way, it will be fine. If we were both infected we would walk the journey together and if one was infected, the same remains true. And in his usual humor, he added that if we were both negative, then that would be a license to sex like rabbits. I took a deep breath and opened his results first, they were negative.

I gave him a big hug. He did not seem exhilarated by the results, he had the composure and self-assurance of a man who knew where he stood, I quietly envied him. Now it was my turn, another short pep talk later, I opened the envelope with shaky hands and liquid eyes.

And then I jumped into his arms.

The flood of emotions that had built up the whole day came rushing down and as he held me tightly I made a quick prayer to God and two promises to myself.

I will always have a test before and after a relationship and use condoms throughout consistently. I have to take responsibility over my health, my life.

I realize now that it was foolish to equate unprotected sex in a relationship to a deeper love and even more foolish to let it slip whilst in a situationship.

 I grew up with the message of ‘good girl’ being drummed into me, and good girls do not carry condoms, promiscuous girls do. All my sexually-active life, I had been terrified of my mother finding out that I was not ‘waiting’, and because of that, I always relied on the man to carry the condoms.

This changes now, mum, next time you come to visit and need some lip balm from my bag, you will probably stumble upon my new ‘permanent-bag-fixture’ and if you ask about it, I will tell you…

I am taking control of my sexual health.

Things a single Kenyan woman knows (or has done) by the time she is 30

So, I recently turned thirty (hurrraayy!!!) and thought i needed to make my list of things to know/do by the time you are thirty.

Here goes... 

Relationships: The top agenda of the twenties is romantic relationships. A girl has her major love and major heartache in this decade. The heart mends but becomes more immune to future heartbreaks. You learn and prioritize your ideal man ‘list’.  At 30, you know how much you are willing to take, you are clear on your expectation and you know when to walk out of a relationship. By now you have clear boundaries and this defines how your partner treats you.

Friendships: The early twenties, which coincide with your campus years are your last chance to form true friendship bonds. After that, they say, you mainly pick up acquaintances and convenience buddies. Your late twenties are marked by the shedding period where you only keep those friendships that are worth the effort, people are busy now, careers are budding, no one has time to drag a whole crowd along. You learn to accept this reality and move on. At thirty, you have a close circle of friends, each of these symbiotic friendships serves a purpose in your life, and each is different.

Sex: Oh yes, this deserves a mention too. The sex curve of a woman in the 20's decade is extremely diverse. It begins with a very naïve girl in her early twenties, to the more adventurous mid twenties and finally a more relaxed girl..nay woman, by the time 30 is knocking. How a woman views sex at 30 is hugely different from her younger years. The fumbling, the shame and the ‘fakes’ of earlier years dissipate and a more confident woman able to articulate her needs emerges.

Self image: A point closely linked to the above is self image. How a woman perceives herself. We all know the teen years are characterized by a dip in self esteem. As we turn 19, the pimples might have cleared but the sense of self doubt still persists. Deep into the 20's we still obsess about the size or shape of particular body parts, skin blemishes, hair and this inadvertently impacts on our sex life. But a certain switch flips as we enter the late 20's. Acceptance of who we are sets in. You rediscover your body and you are in awe of it, warts and all, stretch marks, bumps, skinny limbs, you love yourself wholly, in spite of the imperfections.

Spirituality: You have by this time moved from one denomination to another, seeking, running, questioning. You have probably flirted with different other faiths especially earlier on in your 20's. You probably fell out with God when sex came into the picture or when tragedy befell you. 30 is time to reconnect with your spirit self. You have finally chosen the direction you want to follow, have your values cemented and ready to guide probable offspring into a certain spiritual path.

Career: BY the time a woman is 30, she has her career firmly set, the foundations have been laid, the donkey work with little pay done. You are ready for the rise in this next decade. You have your goals laid out, you have figured how family life will affect it and made the necessary concessions.

Purpose: The ever elusive question, what is my purpose in life? This decade will be spent trying to figure this out, you will probably find out sooner or later, your career does not give u the satisfaction you seek, that being a mother and a wife will not be enough. You want your life to matter, you want to leave a mark. By the time you are through with your 30’s, you should know what this is.

It is not all about you: For single girls, your twenties are marked by high levels of selfishness. You work hard so you can afford that gorgeous shoe, that dress that you saw on the high end boutique. You toil to make life better for yourself. At 30, you should leave the childish ways behind, the world is not about you alone. Give alms, champion causes for the marginalized, tithe and give thanks for all you got.

Chime in and let's add to the list. What are things you have learnt or hoping to have learnt/achieve by the time you hit the big three-oh!