A Socialite's Playbook

So my very first topic will be on the new strain of Homo sapiens that has finally invaded Nairobi. It has been interesting to watch the dichotomy playing out on matters socialites; On one side, the media is falling all over themselves to have an ‘exclusive’ on these girls with the latest being Drum magazine which gave the premier socialite Huddah Monroe an 8-page spread (Guess they have milked all the stories from the mainstream celebs). Then, some weeks ago, the very respected Caroline Mutoko hosted the other socialite Vera Sidiki on her morning show because maybe she is now  the new  face of women empowerment. The other side of the story involves KOT (Kenyans on Twitter) and their MKZ counterparts who are going for these girls’ jugular, calling them whores, blondes and all manner of names.

So who is a socialite? Paris Hilton made it cool to party and get paid, Kim Kardashian took it to a higher level, creating a powerful brand under the manipulative hand of her mum. Kim and Paris were both Hollywood kids raised by very well off parents, the Kenyan version are girls who obviously struggled in life growing up, unlike their role models, the Kenyan ‘socialites’ did not come from money,  in that case, the appropriate term is actually social climber.

 So our very own ‘socialites’ have studied a page or two, (in Huddah’s case, had someone read to her) from Paris and her former BFF Kim’s playbook. Here it is:

Little Miss Slutshine

     1.       Make an unforgettable entrance

This is the number one Kim and Paris rule- They both leaked their sex tapes and from then on acres and acres of magazine coverage started pouring in. (Never mind the lackluster performance).

Maybe due to our very conservative society (yeah, hypocrites!) our social climbers shied away from videos, preferring to use stills instead. There is no better way to capture attention than by use of nudity and sex. We have watched otherwise mediocre movies for that one nude scene (Monster balls anyone?). These clever girls have posed for photos, had their ‘good’ sides captured and in that instant created a legion of fans and haters.

   2.       Alter your appearance

Both Paris and Kim went under the knife to fix their noses. Kim went further and had her boobs and ass altered to appeal to her target audience.

     
There have been anonymous sources that claim Ms Monroe went under the knife to look as she does, this is probable seeing that she is too petite to proportionately have such an ass, an old picture she posted of herself clearly confirms this, the girl also got a whole new set of gnashers in preparation for the new career. Vera attributes the granary on her back to eating lots of matoke.  Girl!, from my anatomy class, what you have is Steatopygia, a condition that would have given you survival advantage in the olden days when famines were common in these parts, but currently, it just makes wiping your ass a little harder!

  3.       Make no apologies


Paris partied, drunk and did drugs like there was no tomorrow, she did not give a fuck what people thought. Kim f*cked half the population of brothers in the US, without a care in the world.

After getting famous, our girls have started reaping the lavish fruits of their labour, requests from the big shots have started pouring in and so has the money, mwenye wivu ajinyonge. They are getting flown around the country and to West Africa (They have passport stamps to prove!)  They might be live props for some septuagenarian but who cares as long as he pays… in cash or in free drinks..

   4.       Stab your mentor/protégé in the back, there is only room for one boss lady

Paris introduced Kim to the social circles of Hollywood, Kim learned all she could from Paris and went ahead to eclipse her. Paris might still be way richer, but she is now irrelevant, while Kim is all over the place.

Now, word on the street is Huddah groomed Vera, the two were pretty close until jealousy and competitiveness got the better of them,  nowadays the two socialites are always fighting about who is more important, who gets more ‘gigs’. I bet that story about Huddah living in Ungwaro came from her former BFF.

    5.       Go mainstream

When everyone knows your name, move away from the bad girl/whore image, get into mainstream business, a girl can only use her vagina for so long. Kim has managed to turn around her earlier trashy image to something some man would want to wife up.

Huddah has declared she will stop the tweefs and act more ladylike. These girls know that, sadly, their kind of business has a short life span, rich men get bored very fast. They need something more legit to hold on to once the cheques stop coming in. So, very soon, you will see fashion boutiques springing up, that dirty money has to get cleaned up somehow.

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My thoughts on all this…. I think people, especially KOT should be softer on these girls, after all, survival for the fittest does not only mean survival for the most intelligent, brains are only one factor that give an evolutionary edge, others are great personality, beauty, brawl and the power of the groin. These girls are just playing the card nature dealt them; even the moldy slimes find a way to survive, right?

As for the social climbers, your decision to take this path is clever but not very smart (duh!), have fun, save for a rainy day but just know, the society will never let you forget where you came from, they will take every opportunity to remind you that despite lover boy’s Rolex on your wrist, despite your now cleaned up self, you’re still trash. When you meet those in the high society you so desperately want to belong to, the disdain from the women will always be evident, and their men will want to fuck you, of course, but after their release, you will see that same look of disdain in their eyes.

 Huddah, you might want to look at the playbook of another pseudo-actress that you take your name from, Marilyn thought seducing and having every man want her meant she was better than all the rest, that this meant acceptance but poor girl was passed on from one powerful man to the next, and soon enough they did get tired, she died alone, a broken and deeply disturbed person.

The original socialite, the tragic Miss Monroe

Update- A few years later...

Well damn, this was meant to be a funny post then but with an evolved outlook on life, I cringe at the blatant misogyny and classism. I have better understanding of dynamics of power in our societies and in this particular case, how gender inequalities have forced us (women) into transactional relationships, even those we consider ''acceptable'' and ''moral'' relationships are still transactional because of skewed power dynamics, and even then, we have the shorter end of the stick. I respect sex workers and stand for decriminalization and removal of shame around this kind of work. I used the shame surrounding sex work to deride Huddah and Vera (who are not necessarily sex workers, because I dont know that). If women choose to hack the sexist system that commodifies our bodies and make money FOR THEMSELVES, then good on them! The shaming we throw at them is a direct result of our (internalized) sexism, because how dare they have agency over their bodies?

Vera and Huddah, I apologize for this post, get your money girls, it is good to see what you have achieved so far.